Listening Beyond (Trust, Part 4)

Feeling truly “gotten” by another human being is one of the most powerful gifts there is.

Listening Beyond is a simple, but not necessarily easy, way to practice giving that gift.

Listening is often viewed as passive, yet in truth it is one of the strongest trust building activities in which you can engage. In order to listen in a way that actively builds trust, there are five skills needed: paying attention, empathizing, understanding, remembering and contextualizing. Not all five of the skills are required in every situation, or all at one time. Knowing when to apply each one is part of mastering Listening Beyond.

Conversely, if you fail to listen well, trust can be eroded. Listening is one of those either/or activities: it either helps or hurts trust, but rarely is it neutral. To view listening as a neutral, passive activity is to at best miss an opportunity and at worst, to damage a relationship.

1. Paying Attention

In our fast-and-furious era of multi-tasking, paying attention fully when listening is a challenge. Think about the easiest scenario – you’re face-to-face with someone, and there are no major distractions. How committed are you to fully hearing what the other person is saying? Are you observing the speaker’s body language, listening for tone and listening for what’s not being said? If asked to repeat something just said, would you be able to? Do you have a tendency to “zone out” while listening, thinking that your presence and silence is enough?

Without paying attention first, it’s difficult to implement the other four skills. It validates for the speaker that they are worth listening to – and immediately communicates respect, thus starting the foundation for trust.

2. Empathizing

Empathizing means acknowledging the speaker feels the way he does. It doesn ’t mean that you agree with how he feels, but simply that you acknowledge that it’s true for him. This skill is important in building trust so that the speaker feels “gotten.” Empathy can simply be such as a head nod, or reflecting, such as “I can see that really stirred a lot of anger in you.”

3. Understanding

Understanding is the next layer beyond empathy, where the point is to get clear on what the speaker is trying to communicate. This again can go beyond the words being spoken, and requires you to listen for the larger picture that the words, body language and innuendo are weaving. For connection to truly happen, you need to be certain you understand what’s being said for your response to be on target. This may mean having to clarify through asking questions, reflecting, paraphrasing, etc. It also means being careful not to assume you’re certain as to what meaning is intended, as assumptions tend to breed mistrust. Trust gets built by caring enough to be certain accurate communication has
transpired.

4. Remembering

The first three steps will help you in remembering. Remembering what someone has said in a conversation with you, especially if time has passed, is incredibly validating for another person. Why? Because remembering what someone said to you says that they matter. All of us want to matter. It’s of course not possible to remember every conversation you have with every person, but if you remember even one significant thing, it is powerful. This is where understanding in particular will play a part – the effort you make to understand will also help you to remember.

5. Contextualizing

Perhaps the most powerful of the five listening skills for building trust, contextualizing (new word!) is the art of applying what you’ve learned from previously listening to someone to what they are saying to you now. For example, if Susan had previously told you that she was going back to work at her old company because she missed the collegiality, you might be able to contextualize that the motive behind her asking you to serve with her on the board of the local children’s museum is because spending time in a professional way with people she likes and respects really makes her feel alive and connected. Being able to convey that understanding to Susan from the previous context helps her trust you, because you’ve demonstrated that you not only remember what she said, but what it meant and how it relates to the rest of her life. She feels “gotten” by you, which opens up all kinds of possibilities for higher, deeper communication. And that’s when the juicy stuff in life really happens.

Try practicing these five steps this month – with friends, colleagues, your coach and your significant other. Watch trust grow, and possibilities show up!

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