Who Do You Choose To Be?

"What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Emerson’s quote hits the nail on the head with respect to why good communication is so elusive. Many times a person’s (including ourselves!) actions don’t match the words they’ve spoken. This is extremely confusing for an observer or recipient of such communication. The observer is forced to make a choice as to what is real - the words, the actions, or some combination of the two? In my observation as a coach working with all kinds of clients, communication continues to be the central issue - whether you’re trying to build a team in your business, improve your personal relationships, or to close more sales.

The concept of integrity is that of being “integrated” – all the pieces fit together. Many of you have also worked with the similar concept of “alignment” in our coaching. Our communication with ourselves also can lack integrity. You might tell yourself that you’re a good team player, but then undermine others and seek personal recognition when it comes to action, or truly prefer to work on your own.

Why does this happen? There’s usually a gap between who we want to be and who we really are at that moment. By focusing on who we want to be, we believe that it will happen – not a bad strategy, as far as it goes. But in order to really make change happen, you have to be willing to honestly assess where you are right now. If you don’t perceive a gap, there’s no impetus for change. This is especially important with goal setting (New Year’s resolutions, anyone?)

In our communication with others, there is a constant temptation to tell others what we think they want to hear. This can be for reasons of avoiding conflict, trying to get what we want, or to project an image that feels safer than sharing who we really are. Short term, you might feel successful in achieving those aims. But long term, people really do want your verbal communication to match up with what your actions will be. Postponing that inevitability ultimately hurts, not helps, your relationships.

How can you improve this situation?

In yourself:

1. Be honest. See if your actions match your intent.
2. Is your image of yourself consistent with the one you project to others? Be aware of the differences. For those of you interested, I have the DISC assessment available to help discern those differences.
3. Increase your awareness of how others perceive your communication. Ask them if you “walk your talk.”
4. Don’t be afraid to put things in writing. That can often clear up for others (and yourself!) any possible fuzzy issues.

With others:

1. When you sense an inconsistency between someone’s words and actions, say “I’m confused as to what you mean. I hear a mismatch between when you said “X,” and the action “Y” that you’ve taken. Can you help clarify that for me?” Presume positive intent!
2. Set boundaries with others. “You said that you’d support my proposal at the quarterly meeting, and when we went in, you were at best neutral. I need to know that you’ll do what you commit to, or communicate with me if you’ve changed your mind.”
3. Reflect back to others what your understanding is of what they’ve said. This can be done verbally or in writing. This can help ensure you’ve heard them correctly, and also further ingrains the other person’s commitment in their own mind.
4. Don’t be hesitant to request written confirmation, when appropriate. If people say what they mean and mean what they say, they should have no problem saying the same thing in writing.

Despite your best efforts at implementing the above, you may still find yourself in situations where you perceive an inherent conflict between what someone says and what they do. Pay close attention to what they do; that’s the acid test.

Who do you choose to be?

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E-mail: ginger@magellangj.com
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